I was planning to go to the outdoor service at church this morning, had everything laid out last night- clothes, hat, mask, etc. I woke up at 4 am, went back to sleep at 6. Alarm went off at 7. Yeah, no. Went back to sleep. So I watched online at 11. The band doesn't play at the first service. I'm not a huge fan of current contemporary Christian music, I like hymns and older stuff, generally, but the band played a song I don't know with this line-
"And every fear I lay at Your feet
I'll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You" - Battle Belongs by Phil Wickham
Well, there we go. Night is always hard. That is when the pain is worst (this is physiological fact, actually) and when my brain goes off on the worst tangents with no one awake to point out the catastrophizing. I'm a former musician and music teacher. So sing in the night ( maybe not out loud)! And back to my verse from Exodus: "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Reminders, eh?
Also, from today's sermon: "Where are you telling your children your hope is?" I want my daughter to see that my hope is in my God. I share a lot of my thoughts, some of which are here, but more, with Katie. I want her to know the mess that is my thought pattern and how God can use or change it for Him. I want her to want Him. If anyone comes to Christ or fans the flames of a dying faith through my journey, it is worth it. God obviously didn't give me cancer, but he can redeem anything for His purpose and glory.
"And every fear I lay at Your feet
I'll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You" - Battle Belongs by Phil Wickham
Well, there we go. Night is always hard. That is when the pain is worst (this is physiological fact, actually) and when my brain goes off on the worst tangents with no one awake to point out the catastrophizing. I'm a former musician and music teacher. So sing in the night ( maybe not out loud)! And back to my verse from Exodus: "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Reminders, eh?
Also, from today's sermon: "Where are you telling your children your hope is?" I want my daughter to see that my hope is in my God. I share a lot of my thoughts, some of which are here, but more, with Katie. I want her to know the mess that is my thought pattern and how God can use or change it for Him. I want her to want Him. If anyone comes to Christ or fans the flames of a dying faith through my journey, it is worth it. God obviously didn't give me cancer, but he can redeem anything for His purpose and glory.
Yesterday, I made a startling realization. I had an eating disorder when I was in high school. I would go for weeks without eating. I remember the thoughts, I remember some of the lessons learned, but I have forgotten the physical sensations that accompanied the issue. Until yesterday. With my emetiphobia, my go-to coping mechanism when I don't feel just right is not to eat. I've had several scans and biopsies where I've had to fast. I finally realized that some of the anxiety, overwhelming sensation, fuzzy brain, and general bad feeling are all things I've experienced before- when I didn't eat. Low blood sugar, especially, has been taking a toll. I was told at the doctor's office that I would most likely need to start eating several small meals a day, but now I am going to have to be intentional about it. I don't get the normal sensation of hunger anymore (this is SO WEIRD), so I have to head it off at the pass, so to speak. For someone who struggled with weight my whole life, being told to eat whatever will keep weight on is surreal. I went one week and the doctor was glad my weight was holding steady and I quipped, "It's all the Coca-Cola". He said, "Whatever works." WHAT? THE DOCTOR SAID TO DRINK THE COKE! So, so weird, people. My brain used to scream at me to eat all. the. time. Now it's very meh.
Friday was an interesting day. It was what led to my food realization. I woke up with abdominal cramps. Felt menstrual. Didn't want to eat. Laid on the heating pad. The cramps got worse. They were so bad, I couldn't sit up or move from the heating pad. I called the oncologist's office, which is closed on Fridays, and got the nurse on call. She told me to go to the ER for evaluation (urgent care said they couldn't take me) and don't eat in case they needed to do scans. The ER was busy. Sat for an hour just to go to triage. Then another hour to get a room. I was finally seen by the nurse practitioner. Got fluids, blood drawn (through the port with no numbing cream), and she ordered a CT scan. I was already scheduled for a CT scan for Wednesday for the pain in my back to find out if I have a fracture in one of the sclerotic lesions. That all took forever, of course. CT came back with no fractures, but showed inflammation of the colon. Then I got a round of antibiotics. She wanted to keep me overnight, but at this point I'd had nothing to eat all day, so I asked about food. When she went to consult on whether I could get something, the doctor said my bloodwork looked good and if I could eat some crackers and peanut butter without pain, I should be sent home. They got in touch with the on-call doctor from my oncologist's office, who seconded that. I ate some grahams and peanut butter and got home around 11pm. Around 6.5 hours in the ER. UGH! I'm now working through oral antibiotics (another day, another med) and feeling better.
Friday was an interesting day. It was what led to my food realization. I woke up with abdominal cramps. Felt menstrual. Didn't want to eat. Laid on the heating pad. The cramps got worse. They were so bad, I couldn't sit up or move from the heating pad. I called the oncologist's office, which is closed on Fridays, and got the nurse on call. She told me to go to the ER for evaluation (urgent care said they couldn't take me) and don't eat in case they needed to do scans. The ER was busy. Sat for an hour just to go to triage. Then another hour to get a room. I was finally seen by the nurse practitioner. Got fluids, blood drawn (through the port with no numbing cream), and she ordered a CT scan. I was already scheduled for a CT scan for Wednesday for the pain in my back to find out if I have a fracture in one of the sclerotic lesions. That all took forever, of course. CT came back with no fractures, but showed inflammation of the colon. Then I got a round of antibiotics. She wanted to keep me overnight, but at this point I'd had nothing to eat all day, so I asked about food. When she went to consult on whether I could get something, the doctor said my bloodwork looked good and if I could eat some crackers and peanut butter without pain, I should be sent home. They got in touch with the on-call doctor from my oncologist's office, who seconded that. I ate some grahams and peanut butter and got home around 11pm. Around 6.5 hours in the ER. UGH! I'm now working through oral antibiotics (another day, another med) and feeling better.