It is later in the day on Wednesday, which means I am going downhill. I woke up with a headache, which is a usual side effect for me. Now I feel the fatigue and generally unwell. I slept hard last night but still want to nap but it is probably too late for that or I won't sleep tonight. That means keeping myself awake, which takes energy in and of itself. Blah. I am wearing my sweater with the sheep on the front with the words "Baaaaaaaa Humbug". Feels very appropriate today!
I am sad and angry right now. It is cold, my blood cell counts are stable but somewhat low. In North Carolina, according to the governor, "As of today, we have had 367,395 cases; 2,883 new cases have been reported since yesterday; a record high 2,033 people in the hospital, and sadly 5,284 people who have died. Our prayers are with those who've lost loved ones to this cruel virus." A record number in the hospital. Five thousand deaths. You're worried about the economy, right? Record number of people in the hospital means bills, people. How is that good for the economy? Now let's talk deaths. Joe Bruno from WSOC tweets that "Covid has killed 3x as many people in North Carolina as the flu has in 10 years." 10 YEARS! That means end of life expenses. Oh, so that's how we're planning to save the economy? By paying undertakers and coffin makers. OOOkay. Oh, and let's not forget long haulers who can no longer work and go on disability. Those who show heart and lung damage who can work now, but will go on disability later. That's another knock against the economy. I know businesses are hurting. But that has more to do with our love of big box stores and Amazon, as well as our lack of planning and rabid hatred of any taxes that might go to actually help people in times like this. For me personally, all this means no going out to a store, even for 15 minutes and meeting very few friends under carefully controlled circumstances. And yet I see some of those friends who call people like me fear mongers. "Oh, we might kill Grandma." I don't have grandkids and probably won't, but I am old enough to have them. So, yes, you might kill Grandma. And I apparently LIKE living in fear. Yes, so very comfortable and enjoyable! Wait, Suzy, we didn't mean you! Really? Who did you mean? You can't tell I have cancer when you see me walking on the sidewalk. So you can't tell who else does, either. We don't actually know who the long haulers will be. Grandma and I are already dying, so what's a little collateral damage compared to your rights? My right to stay alive for another year is piddly in comparison to your right to gather without a mask. Oh, and that trip my friends want to take me on? Nope, not anytime soon. Florida is so much worse because their governor won't attempt to make them do the right thing. Thank you, Roy Cooper for having the courage to put people ahead of money and complaints. Oh, and by the way, for making the vaccine free, regardless of insurance coverage. Do you need a reason to wear a mask? Do you need a reason to be vaccinated? Do you love me? Consider me your poster child. If you can, then do. Remember, I had to leave the vaccine study. I NEED HERD IMMUNITY. AND I AM RELIANT ON YOU TO PROVIDE IT. You don't want to wear a mask for me, will you at least get the vaccine? I have held this in for a while now. But your rights, the economy that has other options to be fixed, and my life (and anyone else's life) are false equivalencies. I've talked before about living in the tension. This is another of my greatest tensions. People whom I love who want to give me gifts, give me food, clean my house to help me, but don't want to do the two things that would help me most. People whom I love that love Jesus, and I know love me, but don't realize the reality of the things they say and do, and their real implications for me (and others like me). I really did pray before writing this. I don't want to argue. I want you to understand. I want to be with you, not locked in my house. I want to live.
If you've made it this far without being ticked off, here's the update. I have so much less pain than a couple of months ago. I can walk 3 miles (slowly) now and even move heavy boxes and climb ladders with just normal muscle soreness. I have gained back weight I unintentionally lost. I am eating pretty much normally and my protein levels are normal without that awful protein supplement drink! My oncologist says these are all indications that the chemo is working to slow down the replication of the cancer. There is a metabolic test that indicates the involvement of the cancer in the bones. My first chemo treatment metabolic panel had this number at 1,132. Normal is under 117. That number yesterday was 182. I will have 2 more treatments, then scans in January to see if/how much the tumor has shrunk, whether my kidneys are still enlarged, and what the lesions on my spine and pelvis look like. If you pray for me, please pray that my numbers continue to improve, that the impingement on my kidneys has resolved, that I can still exercise, and that I can move to a slightly less toxic chemo regimen.
I am sad and angry right now. It is cold, my blood cell counts are stable but somewhat low. In North Carolina, according to the governor, "As of today, we have had 367,395 cases; 2,883 new cases have been reported since yesterday; a record high 2,033 people in the hospital, and sadly 5,284 people who have died. Our prayers are with those who've lost loved ones to this cruel virus." A record number in the hospital. Five thousand deaths. You're worried about the economy, right? Record number of people in the hospital means bills, people. How is that good for the economy? Now let's talk deaths. Joe Bruno from WSOC tweets that "Covid has killed 3x as many people in North Carolina as the flu has in 10 years." 10 YEARS! That means end of life expenses. Oh, so that's how we're planning to save the economy? By paying undertakers and coffin makers. OOOkay. Oh, and let's not forget long haulers who can no longer work and go on disability. Those who show heart and lung damage who can work now, but will go on disability later. That's another knock against the economy. I know businesses are hurting. But that has more to do with our love of big box stores and Amazon, as well as our lack of planning and rabid hatred of any taxes that might go to actually help people in times like this. For me personally, all this means no going out to a store, even for 15 minutes and meeting very few friends under carefully controlled circumstances. And yet I see some of those friends who call people like me fear mongers. "Oh, we might kill Grandma." I don't have grandkids and probably won't, but I am old enough to have them. So, yes, you might kill Grandma. And I apparently LIKE living in fear. Yes, so very comfortable and enjoyable! Wait, Suzy, we didn't mean you! Really? Who did you mean? You can't tell I have cancer when you see me walking on the sidewalk. So you can't tell who else does, either. We don't actually know who the long haulers will be. Grandma and I are already dying, so what's a little collateral damage compared to your rights? My right to stay alive for another year is piddly in comparison to your right to gather without a mask. Oh, and that trip my friends want to take me on? Nope, not anytime soon. Florida is so much worse because their governor won't attempt to make them do the right thing. Thank you, Roy Cooper for having the courage to put people ahead of money and complaints. Oh, and by the way, for making the vaccine free, regardless of insurance coverage. Do you need a reason to wear a mask? Do you need a reason to be vaccinated? Do you love me? Consider me your poster child. If you can, then do. Remember, I had to leave the vaccine study. I NEED HERD IMMUNITY. AND I AM RELIANT ON YOU TO PROVIDE IT. You don't want to wear a mask for me, will you at least get the vaccine? I have held this in for a while now. But your rights, the economy that has other options to be fixed, and my life (and anyone else's life) are false equivalencies. I've talked before about living in the tension. This is another of my greatest tensions. People whom I love who want to give me gifts, give me food, clean my house to help me, but don't want to do the two things that would help me most. People whom I love that love Jesus, and I know love me, but don't realize the reality of the things they say and do, and their real implications for me (and others like me). I really did pray before writing this. I don't want to argue. I want you to understand. I want to be with you, not locked in my house. I want to live.
If you've made it this far without being ticked off, here's the update. I have so much less pain than a couple of months ago. I can walk 3 miles (slowly) now and even move heavy boxes and climb ladders with just normal muscle soreness. I have gained back weight I unintentionally lost. I am eating pretty much normally and my protein levels are normal without that awful protein supplement drink! My oncologist says these are all indications that the chemo is working to slow down the replication of the cancer. There is a metabolic test that indicates the involvement of the cancer in the bones. My first chemo treatment metabolic panel had this number at 1,132. Normal is under 117. That number yesterday was 182. I will have 2 more treatments, then scans in January to see if/how much the tumor has shrunk, whether my kidneys are still enlarged, and what the lesions on my spine and pelvis look like. If you pray for me, please pray that my numbers continue to improve, that the impingement on my kidneys has resolved, that I can still exercise, and that I can move to a slightly less toxic chemo regimen.